Valentine’s Day – make it a great day with 3 NLP tips!

Valentine’s Day is a great lesson in what you focus on your get. For some of us it’s a day that has become too commercialised and we actively avoid it. For others it’s a day where we pause to show love, appreciate and connect with those we love. For some of you it could also be a day where you pause to be kind to yourself – to take some time out. Valentine’s day is about the expression of love so how about expressing your gratitude to your friends and family who you love and appreciate.

The emotional quality of our personal relationships greatly impact on our lives. Some people are afraid to try because they are afraid of betrayal, hurt or have been poorly treated in past relationships. Love is a human emotion that every human wants – the world operates on the basis of Love. Regardless of your past experiences or current relationship – the promise of something deeper, more lasting is within everyone’s grasp.

Finding Love with NLP …

Some will be happily single and for others Valentine’s Day is a time of the year where decisions are made that a relationship is something they’d like. If you’d like to understand how NLP can help you find love, you might like to check out my YouTube video which was inspired by a few conversations I had a while back.

Many of us carry around lots of past negative emotions that hinder our efforts. We may have limiting decisions and beliefs that may hold us back in existing or potential relationships ( Time Line Therapy™ is great for getting rid of these). Our thinking can be cluttered by past experiences. Our behaviour is driven by things at the unconscious level and often we don’t stop to sort out our unconscious thinking.

On our NLP courses we can help people to create relationships goals in a specific way, that come to fruition – it’s based on research from Harvard University in 1979. The key here is that you can’t force a particular person to be in a relationship with you – but you can describe the person you’d like to be with (so no names go into our relationship goals!). We can increase the likelihood of achievement of this goal by popping it into someone’s Time Line using Creating Your Future Techniques™ – which we can do for NLP Practitioner course and Coach Courses for delegates.

Values play a huge impact on our relationships …

Values determine what is important to us. They determine what we spend time on and what motivates us. Values are held at the unconscious level.  Even if you think you know your Values, the chances are that you don’t because they’re held at the unconscious level – most likely you’ll know your aspirational values.

We have a Values set in each context of our life – including a set for relationships. Our Values are held in a hierarchy of importance.  The unconscious mind spends most time trying to fulfil the number 1 Value in a given context, then number 2 and so forth.

If a couple’s Values are aligned then it will feel like they are singing off the same hymn sheet – it will be magical! If they are unaligned it will feel as if they are pulling in two different directions (the extent of this will depend on how unaligned they are – a little through to a lot). Imagine my Number 1 value in the context of relationships is Safety and my Partner’s is Variety – are these comparable? probably not – I’d be looking for ways to feel secure all the time and my partner would be looking for ways to get variety into the relationship. What if both our number 1 values are Connection – that would make for a great relationship because we’re both wanting the same thing and if we get it, we’r’e both happy!

If Values are not aligned then either life become very tough, one of the people in the relationship has to sacrifice the fulfilment of their Value(s) (and often resent this), or the relationship may eventually break down and no-one may know quite why – perhaps they just grow apart or indeed they fight a lot etc.

On our Master Practitioner courses we can supercharge someone’s relationship goals by eliciting someone’s relationship values and considering if they support the achievement of that person’s relationship goal. If they don’t, then we can change the Values hierarchy and then ensure their values are aligned behind the goal – this really does supercharge it! Imagine a relationship where both individuals elicit their Values in the context of relationships and then discuss these, agree on a set of Values that will work for them both and then align their values to be the same. I remember aligning a couple’s Values when doing some relationship coaching and the magic afterwards was simply extraordinary 🙂


Building an even better relationships with NLP this Valentine’s Day …

Some of us will be in a relationship with someone. Maybe we’re after some ways to regain the passion that we once had or to take our relationship to the next level (whatever that means to you). Below are some ways you could show your loved one you care this valentine’s Day …

Where is your focus?

When you start a relationship you spend so much time focused on the other person and fulfilling their needs (wanting to impress them perhaps). After a while things shift and perhaps you leave the dirty clothes on the floor, you leave the toilet seat up, and more …. you focus has shifted. In NLP we talk about taking 100% responsibility – if we want to change something, we’re the ones that need to do the changing, we can’t expect or force others to change. When we first start out in a relationship it’s special – so how about you put your focus back onto the other person – appreciating them, forgiving them, being kind towards them, give a compliment, or show you care in some other way? What impact do you think that will have?

Show your love in a way that works for them

We all have a preference in terms of how we process and understand the world around us. We call this Representations Systems in NLP (which we teach on our NLP Business Diploma and Practitioner courses). Great communication sits as the basis of all good relationships. You need to communicate, interact and connect with people in a way that works for them. Do you know if your partner has a preference for visual, auditory or kinaesthetic? Do you express your love in a way that works for them?

  • Visual: these people prefer their visual senses. They’ll use words like – see, clear, bright, vision, view, picture, etc. Visual people will like visual displays of love – e.g. the bunch of flowers, the public displays of affection etc
  • Auditory: these people’s favourite sense if their hearing. Tone of voice and volume is important to them. Their favourite song – ‘our’ song will be important. Utilise words such as sound, loud, quiet, listen, silence, harmonise, music, etc
  • Kinaesthetic:  Their feelings and values are important to them. Utilise predicates such as feel, touch, in touch, grasp, get hold of, concrete, solid, hard etc. In the context of relationships – holding hands in your special way, having a cuddle, the way you make them feel and things like this will be important

Take time …

This is obvious, but so important. We live in a society where most people are time poor. Clear the diary, make time, do something together, put away your phones and laptops. It doesn’t have to be an expensive meal, a weekend away, or something similar. It could be spending time on the sofa, making a meal together at home or something else that your loved one would adore. Just take time, make time and spend time together!

Happy Valentine’s Day!


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